fall from grace
moonlight reflected off the ceiling, and for a moment it was so quiet that i thought time had stood still. none of those things that preoccupied my life were there. when i checked the time, i saw it was three o'clock in the morning.
i stayed awake for a while, just lying in bed with my eyes open.
then i realized it was happening.
it had been quite some time since i'd felt that way before. in fact, i couldn't recall when the sensation had come over me last. after the miscarriage and going into seclusion, i would often wake up like this in the middle of the night. it was just a feeling; i didn't know when it would come. and it was impossible to put into words.
it was nothing. just that, nothing. everything around me was gone. i found myself floating in empty space. simple logic let me understand what was happening and i could easily familiarize myself with my surroundings; i knew who i was, i'd been asleep, and i recalled the things i'd done that day.
but distance separated me now. i'd lost all emotion. the only thing i could truly feel was my own body resting vacantly. i didn't know if i was four or twenty-four; there was no distinction between today and yesterday. everything was just a dream. everything was so silent, so bare. a blank page of white paper.
was i going crazy?
the same question crossed my mind every time it happened.
but as i lay on my bed the flow of memories slowly came back to me, just in the nick of time, to save my life like a ship that lands on a familiar shore...
... i felt my husband's warmth.
... i recalled those people i loved in life.
... the people i could no longer see. and the wonderful moments i'd spent with them.
those were the thoughts that came back to my mind. reality returned to me slowly, one small piece of it after another, saving me in the nick of time.
various perceptions were flowing into my mind, stirring up my desire to be connected. i wanted to remember them forever.
it was like a prayer: please let me feel the peace and happiness that come with a good season.
fate is unexpected. one can't control what will happen tomorrow. spontaneous abortion was exactly the same as giving birth to a still born. everything was the same. i couldn't foresee the future, but i was there just the same. the thought of it was frightening.
coming to an understanding of innumerable thing, i came to, and reluctantly pulled myself out of bed.
i stayed awake for a while, just lying in bed with my eyes open.
then i realized it was happening.
it had been quite some time since i'd felt that way before. in fact, i couldn't recall when the sensation had come over me last. after the miscarriage and going into seclusion, i would often wake up like this in the middle of the night. it was just a feeling; i didn't know when it would come. and it was impossible to put into words.
it was nothing. just that, nothing. everything around me was gone. i found myself floating in empty space. simple logic let me understand what was happening and i could easily familiarize myself with my surroundings; i knew who i was, i'd been asleep, and i recalled the things i'd done that day.
but distance separated me now. i'd lost all emotion. the only thing i could truly feel was my own body resting vacantly. i didn't know if i was four or twenty-four; there was no distinction between today and yesterday. everything was just a dream. everything was so silent, so bare. a blank page of white paper.
was i going crazy?
the same question crossed my mind every time it happened.
but as i lay on my bed the flow of memories slowly came back to me, just in the nick of time, to save my life like a ship that lands on a familiar shore...
... i felt my husband's warmth.
... i recalled those people i loved in life.
... the people i could no longer see. and the wonderful moments i'd spent with them.
those were the thoughts that came back to my mind. reality returned to me slowly, one small piece of it after another, saving me in the nick of time.
various perceptions were flowing into my mind, stirring up my desire to be connected. i wanted to remember them forever.
it was like a prayer: please let me feel the peace and happiness that come with a good season.
fate is unexpected. one can't control what will happen tomorrow. spontaneous abortion was exactly the same as giving birth to a still born. everything was the same. i couldn't foresee the future, but i was there just the same. the thought of it was frightening.
coming to an understanding of innumerable thing, i came to, and reluctantly pulled myself out of bed.
